My Weakness is Beautiful

As I was reading some blog posts from The Good Women Project I started thinking about beauty, and how much I've learned this year about it. So I decided to post about my thoughts, and struggles, during the Beauty Movement.

Day 1 of the Beauty Movement is under way, and let me just tell you, it's been interesting.

Let me start with some background information first of last week and why I am amused at the timing of this fast. Last week a friend of mine and I went through some intense spiritual warfare (not including the struggles we had last semester). We literally were fighting off darkness that was thick and deep and could be felt and seen EVERY SINGLE NIGHT SINCE SATURDAY NIGHT when I came back to CCU. I feel like I have been in constant turmoil since I got back, and yet, I've felt a renewed sense of peace. God is so good, and he is so powerful and I just feel blessed. And although I have always felt very strongly about the power of prayer, this past week has given me a renewed appreciation for prayer.

Now to last night. Thursday the leaders on campus were challenged to spend 4 hours of quiet time with our Abba and see what he reveals to us. I have been wanting to spend a long quiet time with Abba all year, and just feel like I haven't had the time. How sad is that? We can't find the time for the creator of the universe but we can find time for the 20 billion other ridiculous things that don't matter nearly as much. Anyways, last night I drove up to lookout, bundled up to stay warm and went and sat at one of the benches overlooking the backside of the mountain. I stared out as the clouds swirled and spun, just barely peeking out over the mountains. I felt completely at peace and I tried to let my mind go completely blank as I told Abba, "Ok, I'm here, I'm ready, I'm ready to listen." Suddenly the winds picked up and buffeted me terribly... COLD wind... me and wind do not do well, I have a small fear of it... and on top of it with the illness I have, cold and my joints do not do well. I sat there for a good 5 minutes in that wind, and found myself completely calm, completely warm, completely safe. It was beautiful. I knew it was going to be an interesting night. Anyways, I ended up retreating to my car for the rest of the time, watching as the sun's light faded out over Denver and the bright city lights became brighter. I can't say that I found too much revelation in the time I spent with Abba, but he did give me a lot of peace about the struggles I've been dealing with. I came back with a horrible headache however from the crazy battle going on around me. Luckily my roommate prayed over me and slowly the headache got better.

Now to my thoughts about this fast. I have a problem with walls... Yeah I said it, I like to block people out, and I'm very good at it. It's something that I've been working on as of late, how can I build relationships and trust if I am not truly open with those around me? And the honest truth is I wear makeup to cover up the reminder that I am sick, very sick. I have an auto-immune disorder, and my life expectancy is significantly shorter. I am weak, I cannot do the things physically that I used to be able to do because it hurts. It not just hurts, it completely paralyzes me and causes me to run a high fever and black out. I have to be careful with not over doing things. My face broke out because of this illness, and it's not normal acne, it's swelling from my immune system attacking my body. My face is a constant reminder that I'm weak and dying at a slightly faster rate than I expected. Not only that, it makes me feel ugly and worthless. Yeah I know that's a ridiculous thought, but we all listen to Satan's lies, and that's what that is. He is lying and whispering in my ear.

I have decided that even through the spiritual warfare this week, I will not keep building up walls and blocking out pain and weakness. I will not wear make up, because my worth, my life, is not based off of false thoughts of physical beauty, but that I am created in my Abba's image, and He lives in me. He strengthens me. He, and He alone, makes me beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12: 6-12
"But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."