Wow, it's been a little over a year since I've published anything on here. When I first started this blog, I was in a crazy transition in life. I didn't know this at the time, but I seemed totally happy, healthy, and life was looking up, and then life came crashing down. It felt like everything I wrote was a lie, or that if I tried writing anything, it would sound fake. I was frustrated, hurt, and realized something very important.
The veil had been lifted from my eyes.
It's not that I was vastly immature and clueless about the world-- not that I was oh so wise either-- but I was in this idealistic place where my fairytale ending seemed to be finally happening after years of roller coasters. Boy was I wrong.
But the truth is, I'm so grateful for all I went through several years ago. Rejection, losing friends, gaining friends, re-connecting with friends, leaving school; it may not be sunshine and daisies, but it taught me a lot. It broke me down and although I've still been reeling a bit, I'm learning that my life may not be idealistic but God's got it covered, and He's showing me a slow path to recovery.
Through all of these realizations, I've always been re-reading Song of Solomon for the umpteenth time. It's something I do whenever I fall into the desperate pit of single-ness, where I am no longer content with waiting or being single. It reminds me of what I want in a relationship, and sometimes God even reveals something else entirely about myself.
So while reading S.O.S. 1:5-7, I was pleasantly surprised by what dawned on me, and never seemed to have dawned on me previously. Here are the verses, "I am very dark, but lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, like the tents of Kedar, like the curtains of Solomon. Do not gaze at me because I am dark, because the sun has looked upon me. My mother's sons were angry with me; they made me keeper of the vineyards, but my own vineyard I have not kept! Tell me, you whom my soul loves, where you pasture your flock, where you make it lie down at noon; for why should I be like one who veils herself beside the flocks of your companions?"
This beautiful woman, the Bride of Solomon, King of Jerusalem, is worried that the other women will reject her because she had to work in the fields. She is afraid that they will want her to hide her dark coloring, and veil herself from her future husband's companions because they will think she is not good enough, not someone of upper birth or from the same background, etc.
The first thing that hit me was, how sad that this woman feels worried that she will be judged by her appearance and by her past from God's people! How could she feel that way?! And then I paused and remembered that I have felt that way. I have felt attacked and like an outsider from a Christian community and it broke me. The grace and understanding that were promised were not given, and it made me nervous to want to join in on Christian community ever again. I still have a hard time with it. I avoid Christian communities in which I do not have close friends in so that I can protect myself from the rejection that I had already experienced. I go to church, I read my Bible and study it, and I have close friends who are strong Christians, but I shy away from Bible Studies and Life Groups. It terrifies me.
I'm working slowly on healing those feelings, on gaining courage to open up again. But I think about how sad it is that I do not feel safe being in Christian community, and I've grown up in a Christian home! Imagine those who did not, or did and then left the Church. The fact that people are afraid to join Christian community should break all of our hearts. We say we love everyone like God loves us, and that we "will accept you where you are", but we can also be such hypocrites.
This is my prayer, not only for myself but for the Church as a whole, that we practice what we preach. That we do not judge and chase people away from community. That we love them no matter the mistakes. That we are careful before we hold each accountable, because sometimes a person just needs a listening ear, not a reprimand. That we keep that in balance and do not just let those that are hurting themselves walk away thinking their actions are ok. That we take everything slowly and with great care, because we do not know what a person has gone through or is going through right now. That our words can cut deep and our actions even deeper. And that we never make anyone feel ashamed of their background, past, family, or choices, and allow God to work in them. God told us to go out and make disciples (Matt. 28:19), we should be building leaders, He's the one who works in our lives and hearts. Sometimes, we've gotta take it slow and let God do His work, and trust that He is.
