Waiting on love, or not...

Wow! I was just realizing how long it has been since I had posted a blog, and I have a million excuses but really I've just been writing elsewhere.

Anyways, there's something that I've really been learning the past year, and I'm so thankful that God is teaching it to me. Or rather, and this usually happens to me, God gives me sudden peace, and then I look back and go "Oh, there's a bunch of lessons here, hmmm. I should definitely think on those deeply and pray about them."

The lesson is: I do not have to be married/in a relationship to be content.

Now let me expand upon this. I've had some major heartbreak and stupid mistakes in the past, and I've also tried to over-correct after these mistakes. I've had people give me advice and tell me to read this book and that book and learn to just wait. But the thing is, impatient is my middle name. Getting married, having a family, and living happily ever after are definitely on my wish list, but are they necessary for my happiness?

No.

After this last bit of mistakes and heart ache I just wanted someone to come along quickly and fill the void, to help me move on. I but on a brave face, but I cried a lot for months. It's not fun, not at all, but ya know what? The pain subsided. I persevered and prayed often that God would bring me out of the pain. Not dull the pain, or end it right then and there, but bring me out of it.

This means that I wanted God to let me feel it and learn to move forward; learn from my mistakes.

And that's what he has done, he's helped me to move forward. It's interesting, because as he brought me out of that, and the pain subsided, I suddenly didn't care if I was in a relationship or not for almost the first time in my life. I've read things, watched videos, talked to people, and the content will be about crushing on someone and afterwards I sit there and think I'm not longing, I'm not crushing on someone. This is weird! And it really is, but it's wonderful at the same time. I'm not worried about if I choose to take a Master's program overseas, or if I decide to become a hermit who writes 24/7 and drinks coffee like it's some sort of life water (which it is, if you didn't know it). Not that the idle thought doesn't pass through my head of wanting to look good in case I meet someone, or realizing a celebrity is super attractive (ahem Tom Hiddleston), but it does not consume me. We all have the odd crush, thought, etc. It's part of human nature, but the important part is to not let it consume you and be essential to your identity, happiness, or life.

I think I really found my contentedness when I realized that my best friend was going to be finally engaged. I'd guessed they were getting married for over a year, but the engagement was coming closer, and even she knew it. We talked of wedding plans, her boyfriend texted me about the ring and the date, and I would get really excited for her. But I wasn't jealous. I didn't think about why I wasn't close to getting married, or about how I didn't have this amazing guy in my life-- and he's an amazing guy, trust me on this, I was friends with him before I was with her-- and I was just genuinely happy for them and so excited to be a part of everything.

I still am, and it still doesn't bother me.  God has given me the joy and peace that I asked for, and it is absolutely freeing. I am not defined by a man, but I don't have to avoid them either. Yeah I have wedding plans and ideas, things tucked away in different places for future reference, but I'm not dying to get married. I want to go to Italy. I want to finish my novel. I want to enjoy my friends and geek out over TV shows and movies. I want to possibly live overseas for a while and work in museums.

God can do so many truly amazing things in our lives if we let him. Not only that, if we ask him to daily work in our lives. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but her can bring good. That's the greatness of his mercy. Even when we choose to go against him, to sin, to do things that are not in our best interest, he can take those choices and turn them into blessings.

Psalm 19 (NET) says:

The heavens declare the glory of God; the sky displays his handiwork. Day after day it speaks out; night after night it reveals his greatness. There is no actual speech or word, nor is its voice literally heard. Yet its voice echoes throughout the earth; its words carry to the distant horizon. In the sky he has pitched a tent for the sun. Like a bridegroom it emerges from its chamber; like a strong man it enjoys running its course. It emerges from the distant horizon, and goes from one end of the sky to the other; nothing can escape its heat. The law of the Lord is perfect and preserves one’s life. The rules set down by the Lord are reliable and impart wisdom to the inexperienced. The Lord ’s precepts are fair and make one joyful. The Lord ’s commands are pure and give insight for life. The commands to fear the Lord are right and endure forever. The judgments given by the Lord are trustworthy and absolutely just. They are of greater value than gold, than even a great amount of pure gold; they bring greater delight than honey, than even the sweetest honey from a honeycomb. Yes, your servant finds moral guidance there; those who obey them receive a rich reward. Who can know all his errors? Please do not punish me for sins I am unaware of. Moreover, keep me from committing flagrant sins; do not allow such sins to control me. Then I will be blameless, and innocent of blatant rebellion. May my words and my thoughts be acceptable in your sight, O Lord , my sheltering rock and my redeemer.

God's greatness is never ceasing and we can never know nor see just how great and merciful he is to us. But we can get glimpses, and we can learn from them. Not everyone sins the same in that we all have different desires, temptations, and experiences. We work through struggles differently, but God is always the same. He can bring us out of darkness, he can move within us especially if we ask him to, and his mercy and love is always there. It doesn't matter if the inkiness of our dark hearts seems to leak black sludge everywhere (that's a weird metaphor but I'm going to go with it) or if we suddenly realize that something has become an idol in our lives and we've placed God on the back burner. God will always take us back. He will always help us heal and move forward. He will always work our sins into situations of future glory if we let him.

But that's the key.  Not that he can't work in us and our lives without our permission, but it's so much easier if we give ourselves to him. That's what he wants, that's why he gave us free will, for us to choose him. His love is more fulfilling than any non-committal crush or longing that has no future. And yes, he's got someone in store for each of us, we've just got to learn that God's our number one man, and alone can fill that void and bring us to a place where we can love that man with a love that is like God's love. That's a beautiful thought, no?

Choices, Sin, and Belittlement...

I read a book today, and the author’s afterword brought me to tears. The book is called Wolves Among Us by Ginger Garrett, and anyone (especially women) who enjoy historical fiction should really look into her books. Yes, I enjoyed her novel, but what touched me was the Truth that the author presented afterward.

The burning of witches in the name of God; how easily we are deceived. I never understood why people have been so enthralled throughout the ages with torture, with hangings, with burning, with death. Our sinful hearts long to see pain inflicted on others to make us feel justified for our own pain. We are fascinated by the pain and darkness of the world, even while we are afraid of it.

And when we do not understand something as Christians, we often lash out, claiming ourselves as righteous and declaring all else as that of Satan.

Who are we to judge others? Who are we to stand with a whip to beat the children of God, to “purge” them of their sins so that they may go to the Lord clean?

When we claim to “purge” any person of their sin, when we take the credit for ourselves or take matters into our own hands, we spit in the face of our Father. He sent His son to certain death, for crimes He did not commit. He sent Him to a life of pain and humanity. He did it for us, to save us, Christ sacrificed Himself for us and here we are constantly trying to take the credit from Him.

And anyone who is different from us can surely not be from God. We are the Western Civilization, we are a Christian society, so we must be right, and the rest of the world wrong.

But we cannot judge what is in another’s heart, and those of us who know the Truth, but toss it aside day in and day out will be the ones most harshly punished.

Back to the book though, it is a book about the burning of witches. It is about the Word of God, of people trying desperately to learn about Him and His love, and how easily half-truths can bring destruction. What hit me the hardest was a quote from another author within the afterword.

“Gender differences come in handy when we find ourselves baffled by those closest to us. Isn’t it so much easier to blame something we can’t control for our problems? For instance, when a man and a woman get close (this is especially true in marriage), they discover those annoying differences about each other. Wouldn’t we rather locate these irreconcilable differences in gender or sex instead of personal growth? I’ve often heard married couples give up understanding or intimacy by discounting the baffling differences in the opposite sex – “Oh, men are all like that,”  or, “Maybe this is just a woman thing.” Instead we could push into knowing one another and realize most of the gender differences are due to culture, family of origin, personality, or unique life experiences.”

The witch trials were based on this principle: the differences between men and women, and wanting to pass blame rather than admit that our sin is our own. We chose to do the things we do, we make that decision, alone. We must take that responsibility, God has given us free will. But if we wish to be forgiven, we must chose that as well; for ourselves.

Men and women are so very different, and yet we were made in beauty, we were made by a loving God who finds us pleasing. When we look closely, we are not different at all, we all are the children of the Most High God, we all sin, make wrong choices, and we must learn that we must become weak in order for Him to live in us and make us strong. In the Bible, God used men and women, and so today He uses both. How silly of us to try to belittle one gender or the other when God uses both for His purpose. We belittle God’s purpose when we belittle each other. We are but mere humans, how can we ever understand the depth of greatness of God? And how dare we try to belittle His plans when He has given us so much and His understanding far exceeds our own?

You are beloved, no matter what you do, no matter what gender or race or background. So why not start acting like you are the beloved of the Lord, God?