Waiting on love, or not...

Wow! I was just realizing how long it has been since I had posted a blog, and I have a million excuses but really I've just been writing elsewhere.

Anyways, there's something that I've really been learning the past year, and I'm so thankful that God is teaching it to me. Or rather, and this usually happens to me, God gives me sudden peace, and then I look back and go "Oh, there's a bunch of lessons here, hmmm. I should definitely think on those deeply and pray about them."

The lesson is: I do not have to be married/in a relationship to be content.

Now let me expand upon this. I've had some major heartbreak and stupid mistakes in the past, and I've also tried to over-correct after these mistakes. I've had people give me advice and tell me to read this book and that book and learn to just wait. But the thing is, impatient is my middle name. Getting married, having a family, and living happily ever after are definitely on my wish list, but are they necessary for my happiness?

No.

After this last bit of mistakes and heart ache I just wanted someone to come along quickly and fill the void, to help me move on. I but on a brave face, but I cried a lot for months. It's not fun, not at all, but ya know what? The pain subsided. I persevered and prayed often that God would bring me out of the pain. Not dull the pain, or end it right then and there, but bring me out of it.

This means that I wanted God to let me feel it and learn to move forward; learn from my mistakes.

And that's what he has done, he's helped me to move forward. It's interesting, because as he brought me out of that, and the pain subsided, I suddenly didn't care if I was in a relationship or not for almost the first time in my life. I've read things, watched videos, talked to people, and the content will be about crushing on someone and afterwards I sit there and think I'm not longing, I'm not crushing on someone. This is weird! And it really is, but it's wonderful at the same time. I'm not worried about if I choose to take a Master's program overseas, or if I decide to become a hermit who writes 24/7 and drinks coffee like it's some sort of life water (which it is, if you didn't know it). Not that the idle thought doesn't pass through my head of wanting to look good in case I meet someone, or realizing a celebrity is super attractive (ahem Tom Hiddleston), but it does not consume me. We all have the odd crush, thought, etc. It's part of human nature, but the important part is to not let it consume you and be essential to your identity, happiness, or life.

I think I really found my contentedness when I realized that my best friend was going to be finally engaged. I'd guessed they were getting married for over a year, but the engagement was coming closer, and even she knew it. We talked of wedding plans, her boyfriend texted me about the ring and the date, and I would get really excited for her. But I wasn't jealous. I didn't think about why I wasn't close to getting married, or about how I didn't have this amazing guy in my life-- and he's an amazing guy, trust me on this, I was friends with him before I was with her-- and I was just genuinely happy for them and so excited to be a part of everything.

I still am, and it still doesn't bother me.  God has given me the joy and peace that I asked for, and it is absolutely freeing. I am not defined by a man, but I don't have to avoid them either. Yeah I have wedding plans and ideas, things tucked away in different places for future reference, but I'm not dying to get married. I want to go to Italy. I want to finish my novel. I want to enjoy my friends and geek out over TV shows and movies. I want to possibly live overseas for a while and work in museums.

God can do so many truly amazing things in our lives if we let him. Not only that, if we ask him to daily work in our lives. It's not easy, it's not always fun, but her can bring good. That's the greatness of his mercy. Even when we choose to go against him, to sin, to do things that are not in our best interest, he can take those choices and turn them into blessings.

Psalm 19 (NET) says:

The heavens declare the glory of God; the sky displays his handiwork. Day after day it speaks out; night after night it reveals his greatness. There is no actual speech or word, nor is its voice literally heard. Yet its voice echoes throughout the earth; its words carry to the distant horizon. In the sky he has pitched a tent for the sun. Like a bridegroom it emerges from its chamber; like a strong man it enjoys running its course. It emerges from the distant horizon, and goes from one end of the sky to the other; nothing can escape its heat. The law of the Lord is perfect and preserves one’s life. The rules set down by the Lord are reliable and impart wisdom to the inexperienced. The Lord ’s precepts are fair and make one joyful. The Lord ’s commands are pure and give insight for life. The commands to fear the Lord are right and endure forever. The judgments given by the Lord are trustworthy and absolutely just. They are of greater value than gold, than even a great amount of pure gold; they bring greater delight than honey, than even the sweetest honey from a honeycomb. Yes, your servant finds moral guidance there; those who obey them receive a rich reward. Who can know all his errors? Please do not punish me for sins I am unaware of. Moreover, keep me from committing flagrant sins; do not allow such sins to control me. Then I will be blameless, and innocent of blatant rebellion. May my words and my thoughts be acceptable in your sight, O Lord , my sheltering rock and my redeemer.

God's greatness is never ceasing and we can never know nor see just how great and merciful he is to us. But we can get glimpses, and we can learn from them. Not everyone sins the same in that we all have different desires, temptations, and experiences. We work through struggles differently, but God is always the same. He can bring us out of darkness, he can move within us especially if we ask him to, and his mercy and love is always there. It doesn't matter if the inkiness of our dark hearts seems to leak black sludge everywhere (that's a weird metaphor but I'm going to go with it) or if we suddenly realize that something has become an idol in our lives and we've placed God on the back burner. God will always take us back. He will always help us heal and move forward. He will always work our sins into situations of future glory if we let him.

But that's the key.  Not that he can't work in us and our lives without our permission, but it's so much easier if we give ourselves to him. That's what he wants, that's why he gave us free will, for us to choose him. His love is more fulfilling than any non-committal crush or longing that has no future. And yes, he's got someone in store for each of us, we've just got to learn that God's our number one man, and alone can fill that void and bring us to a place where we can love that man with a love that is like God's love. That's a beautiful thought, no?