What I've Been Missing...

I think this may be a relatively short post for me... short post? Yes I know, shocking!



I have realized something...
I know there has been a lot of sadness in my heart when thinking back about my time at college.
Yes, I miss the people.
Yes, I miss the amazing times, the good and the bad.
I miss the business, and the learning...

The learning is what I miss most. I miss learning from people. From growing from other people's views on life, and their faith. On hearing what the Lord is doing in their lives.

Don't get me wrong, I still hear about people growing and learning and things. But I used to hear about it daily, from multiple people a day. It was amazing, to constantly be surrounded by the Spirit. Even when I felt like I was falling apart, other people were so full of the Spirit, they would remind me in an instant how loved I am by Abba, and would speak Truth into my life. I was full more than I was empty.

Now, I've had to learn to move forward, on my own a lot. I'm secluded a lot, and sometimes, rather than be filled by the Spirit I try to block out the reality around me to forget that I am alone.

It's been a difficult time, and I know Abba will get me through it. As will my brothers and sisters who constantly remind me I'm not ALWAYS alone and that I am STILL loved.

My heart breaks at the thought of the Church...

The Church today...

Yes I did say that in a slightly angsty, exasperated way.

I feel so heartbroken and irritated at the Church in America today. And it stems much from the church I have grown up in. We are failing as a Church. We have lost sight of what it means to be a part of a church and THE Church.

I feel like the Church today is all about sending help overseas, sending out missionaries, preaching to the outside world that they are living their lives wrong, and we are falling apart at the seams from the inside.

Church is about what I get from it... the pastor needs to make me feel excited about my faith, he is supposed to motivate me, invigorate me, make me really think... he has to be a good speaker... I need to be fed...

I agree, we need to be fed, and yes we need to be motivated in our faith, but what I have learned is that we take from a sermon what we want to take. If we are focusing on the Spirit and letting Him fill us during a sermon, even if only part of a verse or a single word in the sermon sparks a thought and you get side-tracked completely, lost in your own scripture, then that's ok. God uses many different ways to reveal his Word to us, it isn't always directly form a preacher.

But I digress...

I think we have lost what it means to be the Church and to build the Kingdom.

We were asked to make disciples. But how can we make disciples if we are not working on becoming ones ourselves? We must remember that the Church's purpose is to support you in times of need; to love you unconditionally like the Father; to convict you in love when you are straying from the path of righteousness; and build leaders of ALL its members to go out and build MORE disciples.

This is our mission, to be disciples, not to be led by men, but to lead men to Christ. To be responsible enough for our own faith to know that we must be willing to change and grow in order for our heart to change and grow and become more like Christ.

I am tired of mentors within the Church not being mentors, and wondering why the youth of today has little respect for them.

I am ready for change, I do not always like it, it hurts, it's scary, it can be really rough. But I am ready for it for I know that is the only way to live a life pleasing to God. And I am not willing to listen to man's decisions for me based on petty expectations and constraints of the world.

GOD IS BIGGER THAN ANYTHING WE COULD DREAM UP.

Why should I let others tell me what I should do because they have fallen to the world, rather than listening to the AMAZING expectations the Lord has for every single one of His children.

To the Church:
Stop living with selfish ambitions, wanting to make as many "Christians" as possible. The title "Christian" has no meaning in the modern world anymore. We need to live as THE CHURCH, readying the earth for the KINGDOM of GOD, and building more disciples.

I think C.S. Lewis said it well, "“I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity.”

The religion of Christianity, when practiced as God originally planned it, when following his leading, we find that often we are not happy. But happiness means nothing without joy, and joy can come in the most darkest moments of our lives. Because joy stems on the fact that we are sinners and cannot be saved, and yet, there is a Father, a God, who can save us, even when all seems lost. In that moment we can find pure joy, for our soul realizes that we are a child, and our Father is holding us, no matter what.

The job of the Church is not to make people happy, but point them towards God so that he can fill them with joy, and build them into the people He meant for them to be.

In the Midst of Fire, in Weakness, or Trial, or Pain...

I watched and waited in silent panic as I began looking at Facebook and saw friends saying they were running from their houses. That some had even lost their homes. I began flipping through news sites and watched in horror as my home town was quickly being engulfed in flames and friends and family began evacuating or preparing for the worst. I looked out my window towards the North and saw big billows of clouds against the evening sky, and realized they weren't clouds at all. I sat there terrified... fires are everywhere, and the town I live in now is well known for its summer fires... what if a fire started here? We might not have anywhere to go... all of our family were close to the fires or already evacuated...

It was then that I realized the only thing I could do was pray. Pray for rain, pray for the people fighting the fires, pray for the people evacuating and those helping the ones who were evacuating. And then I found something else to pray for as a dear friend was far away struggling with their health. Stuck in a hospital fighting for their life. I felt like all I did for days was pray, and pray, and cry out to God... and well just cry in general... I don't cry... I have a problem... I very seldom get full tears even if I want them to come... so crying is a BIG deal for me...

I felt my life begin to flip out of control... AGAIN... it's been flipping out of control a lot this year, and I've only recently started to get back up on my feet rather than being face planted on the floor completely stunned.

God why is this all happening? Why does it feel like my world's ending? WHY?!

As He began to reveal things to me, my friend, JoAnne, sent me a message saying she had been struggling the same sort of things as me as far as the fire went.

"...and He reminded me of how He doesn't always give us what we want but what we need. And He gave me this image of rain over people and the rain symbolized His love and just how people are all gathering closer together and being able to show Christ's love to our neighbors even more than we could before. He said even though He's not pouring out the physical rain when we want it, He's pouring out His love on His people so they would draw nearer together and nearer to Him."

I sat there and went, yeah... that was the conclusion I was coming to, just maybe not as elloquent!

During times like this we need to draw nearer to Him, closer to Him, pray even more fervently than we should already be doing. It's sad, but sometimes it take our world being rocked to get us to focus on what's important; our friends, family, but most importantly our Abba!

C.S. Lewis in Mere Christianity said, "God will invade. But I wonder whether people who ask God to interfere openly and directly in our world quite realize what it will be like when He does. When that happens, it is the end of the world. When the author walks on to the stage the play is over. God is going to invade, all right: but what is the good of saying you are on His side then, when you see the whole natural universe melting away like a dream and something else - something it never entered your head to conceive - comes crashing in; something so beautiful to some of us and so terrible to others that none of us will have any choice left? For this time it will be God without disguise; something so overwhelming that it will strike either irresistible love or irresistible horror into every creature. It will be too late then to choose your side. There is no use saying you choose to lie down when it has become impossible to stand up. That will not be the time for choosing: it will be the time when we discover which side we really have chosen, whether we realized it before or not. Now, today, this moment, is our chance to choose the right side. God is holding back to give us that chance. It will not last forever. We must take it or leave it."

Are you gonna take it? Or leave it? Are you going to draw nearer to Him? Or toss Him aside?

This songs been stuck in my head for a while, and I think it fits perfectly with everything happening right now... "This is my prayer in the fire, in weakness or trial or pain, there is a faith proved of more worth than gold! So refine me Lord through the flame! I will bring praise, I will bring praise! No weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare, God is my victory and He is here!"

So I will draw nearer, and I will learn to rejoice even in the tough times, bringing praise to the awesome and powerful God of the universe!

When God Hits You Upside the Head...

Have you ever had that moment where you want to comfort a friend and suddenly God gives you the perfect thing to say?

It happens to me occasionally, but tonight when it happened it was as if God was telling me Hey, this ones actually for you. Listen. So here's the exact text about sexual desires...

... Remember that your desires and sex are not bad in themselves... God gives you those for a reason... To be perfectly intimate with one man for the rest of your life... Think about it... That intimacy is the closest thing to the intimacy that God has with each of us... No shame, just love in its perfect state... That does not mean that we should let it over take us.... But it does mean that we should not be ashamed of that desire.... You wish to be perfectly intimate with the one man you love body and soul... And that, my dear, was God's plan all along...

As I looked back at the text I had just sent I sat there, mind completely numb. It was like I had been hit in the head and nothing remained on the inside. So I sat there, completely confused for a moment and then read the text again. I could feel Abba whispering over and over, Do you get it now? Do you understand? Do you see what I wish for you to have?

Needless to say, I was dumbstruck. I felt like all I could say at the moment was Oh... Not really sure whether I understood fully or not, I sat there pondering.

God wants us to be able to join with our husband or wife perfectly, in perfect love. A kind of love that is only known by Him. A love that can be weathered and torn, where one can be perfectly intimate, laid bare, in front of the other. No shame. That's the kind of love God shows for each and every one of us, we can hide nothing from him.

Now even I get a bit squeamish thinking about sex and my future husband and relating that to how God loves me. But then again, it's the act of loving that He wishes to demonstrate? Isn't it? When he speaks of us as his bride, this is the kind of love He is talking about.

Isaiah 62:5 "As a young man marries a young woman, so will your Builder marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you."

Revelation 19:6-8 "Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:

'Hallelujah!

 Let us rejoice and be glad

and give him glory!

For the wedding of the Lamb has come,

and his bride has made herself ready.

Fine linen, bright and clean,

was given her to wear.'

"Struggling with Sin"

So while trying to write this post I'm attempting to not dance and bob too much to Envy which is a fantastic song p.s. and is quite catchy.

Anyways, I was scanning through my Bible while still pondering some thoughts given to me based upon The Pure Heart Movement, and came across these verses.

Romans 7:7-25
"⁷ What shall we say, then? Is the law sinful? Certainly not! Nevertheless, I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, “You shall not covet.”^{[a] 8} But sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, produced in me every kind of coveting. For apart from the law, sin was dead. ⁹ Once I was alive apart from the law; but when the commandment came, sin sprang to life and I died. ¹⁰ I found that the very commandment that was intended to bring life actually brought death. ¹¹ For sin, seizing the opportunity afforded by the commandment, deceived me, and through the commandment put me to death. ¹² So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good.

¹³ Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! Nevertheless, in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it used what is good to bring about my death, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful.

¹⁴ We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. ¹⁵ I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶ And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷ As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸ For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature.^[b] For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹ For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰ Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹ So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²² For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; ²³ but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. ²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!
So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God’s law, but in my sinful nature^[c] a slave to the law of sin."

Yeah I know it was rather long, but honestly I felt like Abba was really trying to show me something pertaining this fast I'm doing. Before I've had people try to tell me that when I try to, well, "curve my bad behavior" sort to speak, that it was unnecessary because I am free from sin in Christ. And I sit there and think, that doesn't make sense to me. Of course I should try to change my thoughts, my actions, my "sinning", doesn't the Bible say to be more like Jesus?

I was so very confused one night and sat there going Abba, why does this not make any sense to me? Why do I feel like this is so wrong? Why does the idea that I'm saved by sin and so shouldn't try to fight spiritually or physically, depending on the person talking to me, make any sense. Shouldn't we be fighting for both since we are both physical and spiritual beings? Then He seemed to pose some thoughts for me.

We know that we are free from sin, but I think what makes more sense is that spiritually we are free from sin. Our souls are no longer condemned, Satan does not have a hold over us spiritually. But if he did not have a hold over us physically then technically wouldn't we be perfect beings once we accepted Christ? With no sickness and no sinning? Obviously this is not a true fact, and so now I look back at the passage in Romans.

...I would not have known what sin was had it not been for the law...We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin... Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me...

So, in other words, we desire good because God has put that desire in us, as the Spirit is in us also, but our bodies are controlled by sin, by Satan. Although we desire to do good, we cannot because we are sinful. I feel that doing something like the fast I'm currently trying to do is then perfectly justified. I am attempting to rid the physical things that often tempt me to sin. I know I am free from sin, but I wish to do good. I then work on doing good physically and allow God to work in me spiritually to aid in this process. For our spiritual and physical beings are very much connected just as they are separate.

Wow that seems super philosophical now that I look back at it, it's like reading my textbook all over again!

This is definitely a difficult concept for my brain to fully understand but I feel that God has shown me at least enough of a glimpse to show that

1. We need to follow the law and the commandments for it affects how we are spiritually in our walk and

2. We should be conscientious in how we react physically in our daily lives, because we know that we desire to do good, but cannot, and so must take action in order to protect our souls and continue to follow the path God has for us in our faith.

What do you think? I'd love to hear any ones thoughts about this concept especially since I feel that I'm only brushing the surface.

 

A Pain I Had Never Felt Before...

You know that phrase Friends come and go or the one about how God sends you friends, and they stay for different intervals in your life's story?

Sometimes I really hate those lines.

Why? Because I don't like friends entering in and out of my life. But I've had to come to terms with this multiple times over the years. Sometimes, when a friend enters out, it hurts like nothing you have ever felt before.

I had fought with my best friend, my roommate, and we just had not been talking very much with each other. She wanted to solve the problem right away,  but because it was finals, I wanted to cool down. Take a few days to just chill, to pray, then to come back with a little cooler heads. Unfortunately I cooled down faster than she did, and thus our friendship basically ended.

I tried to make the effort, although I wasn't very good at it most of the time. But I wanted to reach out. I knew our old friendship was over. It would take a long time to re-build the trust we had in our old relationship, but I knew we could at least start becoming friends again. I could tell she was having a hard time, but I didn't know what to do about it.

Then after several months of awkwardness, I thought we had got a lot of things out on the table. I thought we had started to move forward again.

And then it hit me. I was accused of some things that I didn't do, but people love gossip, and people love to see scandals. I was stuck in that scandal, even though it wasn't true. True I had made some mistakes, but the actual thing I was being accused of had not happened. Eventually, many adults (and of course my close friends) agreed. I was telling the truth. But later, my old friend finally decided to really open up to me.

As we were talking over IM she simply blurted out a lot, and it was too much to handle. She thought I had been lying. And as we talked through why she felt that way, I didn't have all the answers for her. I sat there completely stunned. She thought I was a lesbian, who had made up my boyfriend (whom she had not met) to cover up my relationship with another woman. I sat there not knowing how exactly to respond, and in the end I told her I wasn't lying to her. That the guy I was dating was not something I made up, and that I was hurt that she would think so. That yeah I had been accused of similar things but the "adults" in the situation realized that it wasn't true. People were just saying things. She informed me that she had lived with me long enough and been my friend long enough to know what kind of person I was and continued to push the issue.

I asked other friends if they felt the same way, if they thought I was lying. Half of them looked as if I was completely nuts for even asking them that sort of thing. I prayed a lot about it and finally wrote this friend a letter.

It was a letter of goodbye. I didn't have the answers she wanted. I didn't have anyway of fixing anything. So I told her that I think our trust in each other had been completely destroyed. That if she felt like I was lying, there would be no trust between us and our friendship wouldn't work. I asked her to search herself and God and see if she had truly wanted to be friends with me again in the months past, because she really hadn't acted as such. I apologized and I said that I was seriously saying goodbye. I didn't want to pursue a friendship any time soon, but of course if I were to see her again I would be polite and as always I was keeping her in my prayers.

It was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to. But it has also been a big healing thing. I'm not saying we won't ever be friends again, or that I have this intense hatred towards her. Not at all. Instead I feel a deep ache in my heart for the friend I used to have. I do still pray for her often, and I know that fighting is not the answer in the body of Christ. So that's why I wrote the letter. I knew that the fighting had to stop, that I needed to tell her how I felt, and that I wasn't angry at her, just hurt. That she would always be my sister in Christ, but that for now I think we needed to try to heal and focus on other relationships that weren't completely destroyed.

I don't know that I necessarily did "the right thing". I'm human, I make mistakes on a daily basis. But I know that I felt this huge weight lift when I wrote the letter and sent it to her. And now I am working on not letting the hurt turn to anything nasty and full of hatred. I hope that one day we can be friends again, although I doubt we will ever be close friends.

I don't regret her being in my life. She taught me a lot and helped much on my walk with Abba, but every time I pray about why something like that would happen I feel like God gives me the answer.

We all change and grow, and sometimes we grow apart. We grow closer to some friends, and farther from others. She wasn't meant to be this long time friend that I would have for the rest of my life, but she was a great friend. A sister. We may not be in each others weddings, but we can look back and say, yeah I had this great friend who was like a sister to me in college.

God gives us people who help us grow, to change, to be the people he is creating us to be. Sometimes we get hurt in the process, but pain is not a bad thing. As long as we learn from that pain, and don't let it become all consuming.

My Weakness is Beautiful

As I was reading some blog posts from The Good Women Project I started thinking about beauty, and how much I've learned this year about it. So I decided to post about my thoughts, and struggles, during the Beauty Movement.

Day 1 of the Beauty Movement is under way, and let me just tell you, it's been interesting.

Let me start with some background information first of last week and why I am amused at the timing of this fast. Last week a friend of mine and I went through some intense spiritual warfare (not including the struggles we had last semester). We literally were fighting off darkness that was thick and deep and could be felt and seen EVERY SINGLE NIGHT SINCE SATURDAY NIGHT when I came back to CCU. I feel like I have been in constant turmoil since I got back, and yet, I've felt a renewed sense of peace. God is so good, and he is so powerful and I just feel blessed. And although I have always felt very strongly about the power of prayer, this past week has given me a renewed appreciation for prayer.

Now to last night. Thursday the leaders on campus were challenged to spend 4 hours of quiet time with our Abba and see what he reveals to us. I have been wanting to spend a long quiet time with Abba all year, and just feel like I haven't had the time. How sad is that? We can't find the time for the creator of the universe but we can find time for the 20 billion other ridiculous things that don't matter nearly as much. Anyways, last night I drove up to lookout, bundled up to stay warm and went and sat at one of the benches overlooking the backside of the mountain. I stared out as the clouds swirled and spun, just barely peeking out over the mountains. I felt completely at peace and I tried to let my mind go completely blank as I told Abba, "Ok, I'm here, I'm ready, I'm ready to listen." Suddenly the winds picked up and buffeted me terribly... COLD wind... me and wind do not do well, I have a small fear of it... and on top of it with the illness I have, cold and my joints do not do well. I sat there for a good 5 minutes in that wind, and found myself completely calm, completely warm, completely safe. It was beautiful. I knew it was going to be an interesting night. Anyways, I ended up retreating to my car for the rest of the time, watching as the sun's light faded out over Denver and the bright city lights became brighter. I can't say that I found too much revelation in the time I spent with Abba, but he did give me a lot of peace about the struggles I've been dealing with. I came back with a horrible headache however from the crazy battle going on around me. Luckily my roommate prayed over me and slowly the headache got better.

Now to my thoughts about this fast. I have a problem with walls... Yeah I said it, I like to block people out, and I'm very good at it. It's something that I've been working on as of late, how can I build relationships and trust if I am not truly open with those around me? And the honest truth is I wear makeup to cover up the reminder that I am sick, very sick. I have an auto-immune disorder, and my life expectancy is significantly shorter. I am weak, I cannot do the things physically that I used to be able to do because it hurts. It not just hurts, it completely paralyzes me and causes me to run a high fever and black out. I have to be careful with not over doing things. My face broke out because of this illness, and it's not normal acne, it's swelling from my immune system attacking my body. My face is a constant reminder that I'm weak and dying at a slightly faster rate than I expected. Not only that, it makes me feel ugly and worthless. Yeah I know that's a ridiculous thought, but we all listen to Satan's lies, and that's what that is. He is lying and whispering in my ear.

I have decided that even through the spiritual warfare this week, I will not keep building up walls and blocking out pain and weakness. I will not wear make up, because my worth, my life, is not based off of false thoughts of physical beauty, but that I am created in my Abba's image, and He lives in me. He strengthens me. He, and He alone, makes me beautiful.

2 Corinthians 12: 6-12
"But I refrain, so no one will think more of me than is warranted by what I do or say, 7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."