Monday, October 15, 2012

Hope For A Future

I was looking at some of my old poetry and was struck by this simple poem I had written almost three years ago.

I don't really need a fairytale,
I just need real.
I need it to be true
based in the Truth, full of life.
I don't need a knight in shining armor,
I just need a man,
honest, full of love, ready for battle
ready to take on Satan in everyday life.
I don't need a man,
I need a boy
full of belief like a child
sitting at Jesus's feet,
thirsting for more.
I don't need a handsome prince,
for I am no princess.
Warriors we can be together
ready for the darkness and evil to face us.
I don't need dreams
I need hope again,
hope of a future
where I can feel whole again.
I know the Lord is creating His masterpiece still,
the clay is in His hands,
He's molding and shaping my new heart
but... I wish he'd hurry!
"Hope deferred makes a heart sick,
but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

How could I have forgotten this? Crazy!

But ... I get caught up so often in just wanting a guy to look at me; or a guy to be WITH me, that I often that I want THE perfect guy Abba has for me. I don't want to just hook up. I want a man who is a perfect match for me, a man who I can grow with, who will lead me, who will love me, and who will be my best friend.

I need to slow down again and re-think. I need to stop and focus on what God has for my life and remember that He will place a man into my life when the timing is right. Not when I feel lonely or want a guy to take me out for selfish reasons.

I can wait. I really can. And I will wait and stop over thinking things and just enjoy life. And for right now, I am single. And that's not a bad thing.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

When Your Spirit Gets Too Weak...

I don't know how many of you have actually seen the show Touched by an Angel, but it happens to be one of my favorite shows. It's absolutely fabulous how God can speak to me with that show, and tonight, he's done just that. I've been struggling lately with feeling completely inadequate in all areas of my life from some people wiser and older than I. I'm not used to this kind of response, so it's been a little bit of a shocker for me, and I think with all of the craziness of the past couple of weeks, I think it's just kind of compounded... a lot...

So as I've slowly fallen further and further into the dark pit of depression, feeling myself being an empty, numb, shell of a person, I've been thinking why exactly I'm struggling so much. Part of this is what I discussed above, the other part I think is that many people have been bent on telling me, "You're sick!" and then told me what I should be doing about an incurable disease that may have shortened my lifespan drastically. All I can think about is that, I don't really want to think about this. I don't want to think about being sick, or that I may not live till I'm 40. I want to be living! ALIVE! I want to be living for God and his kingdom, working for his glory. Trying to get my degree, and looking at all the blessings he's given me. And all I keep hearing is how is your diet going? How is your illness? I know people are concerned, but honestly I don't think about it as much. And I want people to not think that it's nothing, it's a serious illness, but once they know, I want them to just move on like I do. I know some people can't, and I shouldn't blame them, but it just irritates me and makes me think about the fact that Satan is winning.

But I won't let him win! I refuse! And that's what the Lord showed me tonight by having me listen to a simple song. It was on a Touched by and Angel, and I really loved the song. It's by PlusOne, an old 90s boys band and it's called When Your Spirit Gets Too Weak...

We beg to borrow
We beg to steal
We beg forgiveness
We beg to feel
We beg for love
I guess we beg for hate
We beg for everything
And pray it's not too late

What everybody's tryna' feel
I guess we're tryna' heal
Everybody's got to kneel
No way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to
Stand up on their feet
Everybody needs a dream
When the spirit gets too weak

[c h o r u s]
So when your spirit gets too weak
When the water seems too deep
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day
When the mountain
Seems too steep
When your spirit gets too weak
When you think there's just no way
I'll be there for you night and day

We beg for happiness
We beg for tears
We beg for courage
Just to overcome our fears
We beg to rise above
And hope we never fall
We beg for everything
And pray He hears our call

What everybody's tryna' feel
I guess we're tryna' heal
Everybody's got to kneel
No way to reinvent the wheel
Everybody's got to
Stand up on their feet
Gotta be there for your brother
When the spirit gets too weak

[c h o r u s]

Although the road is rough
And sometimes you feel
Like it ain't enough
We'll be there for each other
We'll find the way


God will help me win, cuz he knows I'm living, not dying, I'm LIVING! And no one can stop that...

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

YELLING... and abuse...

So I recently read an article on Yahoo!, and it seems to be popping up a lot lately. The article is called "The Danger of Yelling at Your Kids..." (it has a longer title and I decided to just link you to the actual article... because I'm lazy.) Anyways, it's an interesting article, and I assume most people would agree that yelling at a child all the time is grossly inappropriate and abusive. However, looking at the study, and the effects, I was struck by something.

The article says, "...parents who express a lot of anger in front of their kids end up with less empathetic children. These kids are more aggressive and more depressed than peers from calmer families..."

Wait, hold the phone. Did they just secretly look at my life?!

I'll admit it, I'm very apathetic to most situations, things don't phase me like they do other people. Often I've been asked why I'm not more upset about something, and I can't explain it. I'm just not. I tend to hold things in, but not only that, I often feel little or no emotion and then realize Sam, what it your problem?! Why aren't you more upset about this? This is a BIG deal. Do you have a serious wall up? Do you need a therapy session?!

Sometimes it really bothers me, and other times it's a blessing. I can keep cool in stressful situations.

But then there's my extreme aggression and depression...

For years, my first reaction to anything that I didn't like was to hit. And hit HARD. Nobody messed with me growing up because they were terrified of me. Kids that grew up with me would tell other kids in High School that they should leave me alone because I would kick their butt (even though I had stopped hitting when I was like a freshman in High School.) But seriously... my first reaction still is that I want to punch someone. That I want to scream at them at the top of my lungs. That I want to get in their face and threaten them until they pee their pants.

I've learned to hold that back as I've gotten older. To stop the initial thought before it gets very far and say CHILL! This isn't a big deal. Take a deep breath and talk calmly.

But I'm still a very aggressive person. Ask anyone. Well anyone who has known me very long. I like confrontation, I like being honest, I won't hold back when someone asks for an opinion, and I protect my friends with my life. Do I blow up and start cussing and throwing punches? Not anymore. But if it came down to protecting a friend from someone hurting them? I would go all Gracie Hart on them.

I also really struggle with depression. It's no secret, it's a huge struggle in my life. And has been since I was young. Have I attempted suicide? Yes. Am I still here? Obviously. God has always protected myself from my own worst enemy, me.

But someone who is apathetic, depressed, and aggressive? Not a good mixture for my social life or my soul. God has worked in me a lot through and since High School to show me the damage that a loud and abusive home can cause. Are my parents horrible? No. Have they made their mistakes? Yes. Will I learn from them? Of course! Will I yell at my kids at some point? Probably. But I will try my very hardest to not to, and I will definitely apologize for yelling. Because no one likes to be yelled at. Especially children.